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|Thursday, June 3rd, 2010|
Today I cleaned out the refrigerator. I found things in there that don't even bear mentioning. It was like going on an archaeological dig. In my head I had conversations with imaginary scholars that went something like this:
ME: ...And you can see by the swirls of C. Stachybotrys
mold on this bleu cheese that the year 2006 AD was clearly a less than prosperous time for this society. The angry swiping motions evident in the scrapes atop the mint jelly from Christmas of 2007 that there was some tension in the air that holiday season. Finally, the remains of the liquified lettuce in the crisper indicates that spring 2010 was an excellent year in the family garden."
SCHOLAR: Amazing, and you can tell all of this from just the remains of one family's groceries?
ME: Why yes, and there even seems to have been some sort of ritualistic spilling of beverages on the second shelf down. It is unknown why they did it, but some suspect that these primitive peoples poured the liquids bi-monthly to appease their pagan gods, in the belief that the carbonation would rise to the heavens and the spirit of their sacrifice would reach the heavens.
Obviously this portrait came before the invention of pants in eternia.
|Monday, May 17th, 2010|
|A Sudden Inspiration
People keep asking me what I plan to do with my life. Suffice to say, everyone gets a different answer, depending on the time of day, my mood, and the proximity of my parents. Some days I plan to be a teacher, while others I plan to be a TV personality. But when it comes down to it, in my heart of hearts, I'd really like to be someone's muse. Its kind of an abstract career choice, but I'd imagine that you would mostly just float around in people's thoughts, causing greatness wherever you go. People might even recognize you on the street. The scene would play out as follows:
Stranger: Say, you look awfully familliar, have I seen you somewhere before?
Me: Well yes actually, I've been running through your mind all day.
ZING! Current Mood: Inspirational
|Friday, January 8th, 2010|
I've come to a decision. Before I die, I'd like to have my portrait painted...fantasy art style. I'll be standing there in front of this portal spewing light, with lazers for eyes, dressed in "fat lady in the opera" style viking clothes, battling a minotaur with my crystal topped wizard staff. This is my dream. Current Mood: accomplished
|Monday, September 28th, 2009|
|Exciting Japanese Sex Toys
I've come up with a new ambition in life, and that is to go to Japan, and find a vagina-in-a-can (preferably in a vending machine, but I'm not *that* picky). Theres probably a poem in there somewhere, but I digress. Basically, it's a pop-top disposable sex toy, for the man on the go. How awful would it be to confuse your morning coffee with that? You open the can, go in for a sip then WHAM! A face full of fleshy-colored polymers meant to imitate the female sex organs. This probably happens at least once a day in Japan to some unfortunate salaryman on his way to work.
On a side note: Dragonfruit is the fruit of disappointment. Eating it does not actually turn one into a dragon, or even cause one to breathe fire. Also, it kind of tastes like armpit. Current Mood: devious
|Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008|
|A Haiku and a Limerick
Fade quietly into the
Empty void of life.
There once was a man who loved cats.
He knew all their secret facts.
His love grew naughty
Perhaps even gaudy,
But he got turned away with a scatch.
|Thursday, September 11th, 2008|
|Qu'est-ce que tu vas faire quand la merde e deja sur la table?
So! It has recently been pointed out to me that I have a tendency to be too passive. The excuse I gave them is that (metaphorically speaking)"I don't want to shit where I eat." But then I got to thinking, what happens when the shit is already on the table?
|Saturday, August 9th, 2008|
Blank spaces are kind of depressing, butt (typo, but it stays) they're also full of potential. I've no idea what this has to do with the price of beans, but I'm sure its somewhere within the five degrees of separation. Speaking of which, I had a dream last night, and in it there was a pun. I don't remember the exact context of it, but it was a play on the words "fallacies" and "phalluses." I could tell it was a pun because people had speech bubbles, like in comic books. Current Mood: Twitchy
|Tuesday, July 15th, 2008|
|A Bag of Ass-holes
So, though I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore, I'm going to make a post anyway. For the past few days at work, I have been pouring gels. In this process, I deal with a chemical called "TEMED." The smell of said chemical is anything but "timid." It smells like a bag of Ass-holes, and thus the subject of this post. That is all. Current Mood: Disgusted
|Wednesday, June 18th, 2008|
So, a random article I wrote about Easter candy, and the fact that I cannot seem to bring myself to eat chocolate bunnies. Their cuteness is lethal to my appetite...
"The Faces of Easter"
I know some people who are big on being vegetarian. Its hard to count the number of times I’ve heard the phrase “Never eat anything with a face” come out of their mouths, while I am busy enjoying my ham sandwich. I’ve always wondered how they deal with Easter. Do they eat chocolate bunnies? I suppose I could ask them that, but then they might take offense and get in my face about it, and as I am passive-agressive, I tend to avoid open conflict. The reason I thought of this, is because I am currently in the middle of my own rabbity crisis. I’ve eaten all of my other Easter chocolate, and the only thing left is the chocolate bunny. It, no he, sits there looking down upon me from his mountain of fake plastic Easter grass, king of all he sees.
I have a craving for chocolate, so I’ve taken him down from the mountain, and removed his protective packaging. I am currently at an impasse. Do I begin with the ears, or the butt? If I begin with the ears, I am risking banality. Eighty-two percent of all people who eat chocolate bunnies begin with the ears. Do I really want to be part of that crowd? If I begin with the ears, who am I affiliating myself with? That one neighbor who always smiles and waves as you pass, but behind whose innocuous smiles lurks a fetish for stuffed bears in whipped cream bikinis being licked clean by calico cats? Or do I begin with the butt, and risk psychologists (specifically Freud) thinking that I have an anal fixation? Such decisions are a heavy weight on my conscience.
Eventually I decide to begin with the butt, however as I bring the chocolate to my mouth, I hesitate. I’ve made the mistake of looking him in the eyes. His trusting smile and innocent gaze are melting my resolve. Perhaps this is why so many people start at the ears, so they don’t have to watch that smile slowly disappear and turn into abject fear as they work their way up through the torso. So that the last picture of the rabbit that they see isn’t the tiny shattered trust of their bunny. Besides that, it almost seems like cruel and inhuman torture to slowly dismember the bunny while still allowing him to smell, hear, and see his own chocolaty body be consumed. Maybe it’s more humane to simply start at the head.
Starting at the head is equally bad. I just can’t seem to get past the judging stare of the spun sugar eyes. I can’t stop putting myself in the bunny’s mold. Having my ears bitten off, like some wild horse being tamed by a Native American. That sense of absolute powerlessness and degradation. I could always just remove the eyes, but that again seems like some medieval form of torture. It seems I must find an alternate method of consuming my bunny. Perhaps smashing him with a mallet, or melting him down in the microwave. But no, these methods still make me feel like a serial killer disposing of the evidence.
I’m finally beginning to see the sense in the vegetarian mantra. Its much more difficult to eat something that you’ve been personally acquainted with, to introduce yourself, and then proceed to munch freely on their person. Your brain will go through countless plans to try and avoid their accusatory gaze. You spend precious minutes of your time deeply engaged in an argument with your own conscience. Their faces haunt your thoughts as the taste of them ensnares your taste buds. The once trusting smile has now found its final resting place in your stomach. Never eat anything with a face, it gets too complicated. Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008|
So its rather annoying when you think of something incredibly witty when you're about to fall asleep, then forget it in the morning...I've lost so many good ideas this way...That is all...
|Thursday, May 17th, 2007|
So basically its been a while, but to make up for that, I have a story... Recently I've gotten a job at a bio lab working with cancer and such, and a part of this job is taking out the garbage, which just so happens to include biohazardous waste, which you cant just throw away ... So here is the recipe for biohazardous waste:
To take care of this stuff, one must first bag it up and put it on the cart, however when the cart is full, the cart must be emptied into the autoclave which is essentially a big and official sounding word for "garbage steamer." The rubbish is then left there for about an hour and a half to marinate in its own juices while being steamed to death. The fun part comes just after removing the garbage from the autoclave. The aroma that is given off by this coctail of biohazards is very distinct. It smells like a dead fish filled with garbage that has been carried around in the rectum of a homeless man for several days(notice the use of "rectum" not "ass-hole" its more scientifically correct). Like pot, or riding a bike, this smell is one that once smelling it for the first time, one will never forget. This "clean" garbage is then taken back into the lab so that it can cool down, almost like a grandmas apple pie on the windowsil, but...not. Anyways, after being left to soak in its own juices, the garbage then has to be re-bagged and put in boxes so that it can be shipped off to....wherever. The best part of garbage duty I think comes in right about here... for you see dear reader that the bags are in varying states of juicyness. And so far that has been my most memorable day at work...
|Thursday, February 1st, 2007|
|I get knocked down...
So yeah, just gonna get this out of the way...I GET KNOCKED DOWN BUT I GET UP AGAIN! YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!!!!! (repeat this several more times until you feel like "tubthumpping" whatever the hell that means...thumping tubs, I dunno, sounds kinky...) So yeah, I've come to the conclusion that college would be perfect if it werent for this whole "class" thing... Oh, an amazing observation of the day...elevator silences are aaaaawwwwwwkwaarrd! Current Mood: bwa haha
|Wednesday, July 12th, 2006|
So just a random question, does anyone know the shelf life of top ramen?
|Monday, June 26th, 2006|
|Tuesday, June 13th, 2006|
|This month on "these are the days of my life"
So yes, this is my life thus far, I've just graduated and thats pretty cool, but other than that I am just farting around the house, and being bored. Today though Ellie and I are going to do some pretty cool stuff, i.e. making mozerella cheese bubbles, and fandango puppets. But yes, thats about it and I shall update in about another month.
|Tuesday, May 16th, 2006|
|food for thought
Ok so yes, I think this icon looks like a brownie humping a rice krispe treat...I wonder what the children will turn out being....rice krispies with brownie bits in them or brownies with crunchy bits...although the rice krispie treat doesnt seem to be enjoying it as much as the brownie...This perplexes me....er wait...is that toast? This adds new dimensions to my theories...damn...anyways on that note I depart for lands hitherto unknown and blather blather blady blady blah yadda yadda yadda period. Current Mood: perplexed
|Wednesday, May 10th, 2006|
hooray only 3 tests left! although they really take up five days. damn. And I am really being repressed. Current Mood: too many pre-selected choices!
hooray only 3 tests left! although they really take up five days. damn.
|Monday, May 1st, 2006|
Oh god. I'm soup. BRAINS!!! GAH!!! EFFING HISTORY PAPERS! EFFIN TESTS!!!! Current Mood: soupy